A Good Home, Family Moments, Mishaps

The Ungodly Godmother

Maybe — now that I’m going to become a children’s book author — my blog should become more respectable?  I hope not. But just in case, I’m sharing this post before Myrtle is published!

~~

The “Ungodly Godmother” of one of our children drove hours on her first day off work to visit me after my recent mishap.

Time spent with her is a gift. She’s caring, smart, and makes us laugh. Updates about her life, her town, mutual friends — are all told in witty, ironic and ‘salty’ language.

It’s partly why our children have always loved her. The laughter. And because she was that rare adult who didn’t clean up her language when they entered a room. Thus the name she gave herself: “The Ungodly Godmother”.

Blog Photo - Cast with messages by Hamlin Grange

Before she left our home this time, she autographed my cast.

Not that I could see it clearly.  Too far down the cast, near my heel.

~~

We hadn’t been to church since I fell and injured myself.  I’ve missed the quiet Sunday morning rituals, the readings from the old Book of Common Prayer, in our tiny historic chapel.

Blog Photo - St Thomas Church Altar

So my husband and I were grateful when the priest called, offering to bring us communion.  

Father Tim spread a handkerchief-size white tablecloth on our coffee table, then placed two tiny gold jars on it, his prayer book to one side. He read a prayer for the sick, and Hamlin and I followed along as he read. He opened one gold jar and gave us the wafer (the bread), then opened the other and anointed our foreheads with consecrated oil.

The sacred ceremony complete, we got to talking about light and pleasant topics. You know:  politics, journalism, original sin.

Before he left, I asked him to sign my cast.

~~

“There’s room next to Liona’s.” My husband pointed to the space next to Liona Boyd’s signature and drawing of her guitar. 

Blog photo - Cast with Liona Guitar

She’s a famous classical guitarist and Father Tim, a fan of her music, happily placed his signature near hers, complete with the sign of the cross.

Blog Photo - Cast message from Fr. Tim

Days later, I saw my husband’s photos of the cast and made a surprising discovery.

To the right of Father Tim’s signature was Liona’s — yes. But to the near-left was the message from our dear friend, The Ungodly Godmother.

Blog Photo - Cast message from the UG

It said, simply: “Get this effing thing off!”

“Do you think he noticed?” I anxiously asked my husband.

“Don’t worry”, he said. “He’s a priest. He’s seen a lot worse.”

The Ungodly Godmother had struck again.

 

 

 

 

 

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A Good Home, A Plausible Story, An Honest House by Cynthia Reyes, Votes for Best Story

Winner Announced!

The votes are in and there’s a winner!

But first I must say that you voters are a most unruly lot. You were asked to pick the best fictional story explaining my broken ankle. So what did many of you do?

Blog Photo - Cynthia cast being put on

You chose several. Yegads! In those cases, I chose the first one you mentioned.

Then some of you voted, but also gave your heart’s choice. What kind of voting is that, I ask you? (Hilarious, actually.)

So thanks for the laughs, and the votes. 

The runners-up are:

1:  #24-b by American Illustrator Jeanne Balsam who should be asked to illustrate the scenes she described. Her other blog is Still a Dreamer, btw.

2: #30 by Canadian Playwright Rex Deverell whose submission could indeed make a good play. 

3: #25 by MT McGuire. The votes were spread over her several submissions, so she gets honourable mention.

And the winner is:

The doctor called to tell me the pregnancy test was positive and I just passed clean out!By American Writer-Physician Victo Dolore, who got a whopping 7 votes. That’s impressive because there were 30 entries, and every one of them had their admirers. 

**Victo**, I will contact you directly for your mailing address and your choice of either A Good Home or An Honest House.

Thanks to everyone for entering and voting. You made me laugh: great medicine in a painful time.  

p.s. I got the news last week: NO surgery required. The bones are healing. Hooray!

A Good Home, A Plausible Story, An Honest House, Humour - Kinda, Stories about breaking an ankle

Time to Vote!

I asked readers to send a better story than “I got up, passed out and fell down”, to explain my broken ankle. The entries are in. Please vote for the best story.

Blog Photo - Cast with messages by Hamlin Grange

The person who gets the most votes will receive a signed copy of either “A Good Home” or “An Honest House”.

Please vote now.

ENTRIES:

  1. I say “I got up, passed out and fell down” is the best. Makes me hoot!

  2. You could say, “I suffer from orthostatic hypotension.” That sounds sexier but is not technically lying.

    • Errmmm…. what is orthostatic hypotension, Victo?

      • Low blood pressure that occurs with a sudden change in position. You could also call what you had a syncopal episode or syncope which means passing out. That also sounds kind of sexy.

  3. OR you could say, “The doctor called to tell me the pregnancy test was positive and I just passed clean out!

  4. Carl Randall

    One night while asleep, I had a dream that I was at the gym training for a slot on the Canadian Winter Olympics ice skating team for the 2018 games. I tried to balance myself but fell out of my bed and broke my ankle.
    😎

  5. Sorry Cynthia, I have no good story, but how about a run-in with big foot? I can relate. I fell (3″) off a ladder years ago as a 25-year-old and broke my arm! I like Victo’s story.

  6. You could use the same story about your fractures that actually happened to my cousin. On her way out that evening, when she went to get her coat, she accidentally stepped into the cat’s litter box. The box went slip sliding away, taking my surprised cousin along with it. She found herself on the floor with a fractured leg, checking out the paint on the ceiling.

  7. I was playing tennis and as I jumped in the air to serve I landed wrong and broke my ankle, but that serve won the game for me. ☺

  8. Chip Barkel

    You can borrow my story. (Substitute foot for hand.)

    I was going in to make an offer presentation on a house in the west end. We were #11 or 16. It was the night of the last snowstorm of the year. There was one step up on the sidewalk leading to the house. It was icy and I had leather shoes. I was losing my balance but trying not to fall. The more I tried, the more I accelerated falling headfirst. As my head and face hurled towards the brick steps, I reached out and my middle finger on my right hand took the brunt of the force. One look at my hand and I knew my finger was broken….

    The good news is my finger was not broken. The bad news is that it was badly dislocated. The really, really good news is while waiting in the emergency room I found a house for our buyers on Instagram. They went to see that house and subsequently offered and they were the successful buyers. 

    9. Karen

    “I snagged my foot on a root while getting up off my knees from praying to the gardening gods to make my wisteria bloom.”

  9. (N/A)
  10. Embellishments are much more interesting than factual details. It may be a stretch to add someone “tall, dark, and handsome” in the night… but maybe Hamlin would fit the bill. -Oscar

  11. Picking Mangoes in Jamaica and fell off the ladder. Exotic, and believable.

  12. I have just broken the record for the longest ever baseball hit, but I twisted too far round.

    13.

    • You were stuck in a ravine under falling boulders and had to break your own ankle to crawl to safety….

      14.

    • “I thought I was 20, my body rebelled.” No other explanation needed.

      15.

    • You had volunteered for Habitat for Humanity and when President Jimmy Carter started to waiver from the heat, you rushed over to help him and tripped on a two-by-four board.

      16.

    • You got tangled up in the dog strangling vine when you were weeding the garden and it tripped you?

      17.

    • In utter frustration, you hauled off and kicked a certain high-level US elected official who shall not be named. You broke your ankle but earned the admiration of many Americans.

      18.

    • Franca

      You rushed onto the road to save a puppy that was about to get run over by an armoured limousine driven by Donald Trump. Your leg got broken but the puppy is fine.

      19.

    • I was about to go on stage when a friend told me to ‘Break a leg’, the thought of it was so frightening that I fainted, and wouldn’t ya know…” 🙂

      20.

    •  I saw a “pink elephant” on my way home from the local gin mill and tripped on the sidewalk and broke my ankle.

      21.

    • You were the last person in the human chain saving swimmers from the riptide a few weeks ago. And your brave efforts resulted in success! 🙂

      23.

    • “I slipped while rushing to a yoga class, which proved my husband’s favorite theory that exercise is bad for you.”

      24.
    • OK – 2 possibilities. 1 – the Truth. “I was in a car accident a few years ago. It’s taken years to recover and I’m still not there. Sometimes my body is not where I think it is, and does not do what I think it will. Like this time – I stood up, passed out and fell down.”
      2 –  “My husband stretched his hand out to me, and when I stood up to put mine in his … well, I looked in his eyes, and he was just so damned handsome that I passed out and fell down.”

      25.

    • I took a short cut home and jumped over a low wall. Trouble was it was ten feet down the other side.

      I was helping decorate the church and I fell backwards off the font.

      I tripped up the stairs with my hands in my pockets and landed face first.

      I fell over a cat.

      These are all real.

      26.

       

      Jessica

      A teenie weenie mouse did it! As I opened the door, she came in. I tripped on the door sill trying to escape….!!

      Entries From Facebook: 

      27.

       .

      Debra Roppolo
      Debra Roppolo  My stories are not so exciting either.  I finally started telling people I was in circus school.
      28.
       · 
      Dale Ratcliffe
      Dale Ratcliffe  You got tipsy one night, starting chasing Mr. G around the bedroom and slipped on the clothes he left lying on the floor!
      29.
       · 
      Mark Fullerton
      Mark Fullerton  You were auditioning for the “Life Alert Emergency Service” commercial and practicing the line “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
      30.

      Rex Deverell  You were walking down the street, perfectly innocently, on a lovely day, but a crane operator had been drinking on the job and lost control of his machine. Right behind you a great hook swung like a pendulum and caught the strap of your handbag. You refused to let go – what was in that handbag? Finally, by the time you and the bag were extricated you were practically in the next county. The landing was a bit rough given the inebriation of the crane operator – hence the damage to the ankles.

A Good Home, Canadian life, Cooking, Floral Arrangement, Hospitality, Humour

Hospitality Advice From the Undomestic Diva

My best advice for Staying Alive if you’re Undomestic:

Marry a man or woman who can cook.

Not that you have to marry him/her. Just beg the person to live with you – especially at mealtime and most especially when guests come to visit.

If you’re resolutely single, make sure that all your close friends are chefs living nearby.

blog-photo-hostas-and-clematis

Advice on Arranging Flowers:

Grow hostas. Not for the flowers, but the leaves. Grow hostas in pots or in a garden bed, but do grow them.

Their large green leaves make an easy centrepiece on your dinner or lunch table.

Should you feel aspirational, you may want to arrange them: place flowers in the centre of the vase. 

Advice on Inviting Guests to your Home:

Never invite tall people to your house. They are bound to see the dust of ages in spaces where you can’t reach/have never thought of cleaning. If you’re tall, then the same advice goes for very short guests. They’ll see the dust-balls in the corners of every room.

Advice for Guests:

Ask questions. If an Undomestic Diva invites you to dinner or lunch, there’s only one question that needs to be asked: “Who’s cooking?”

If, for example, I tell you I’m doing the cooking, you must instantly remember a previous and very urgent commitment for that date. If, however, I indicate that my husband is doing the cooking, you’re safe. Just show up on time, with a bottle of wine.

Blog Photo - Dinner on Plate

If, per chance, you are determined to visit me, then do what my close friends and relatives have done over the years: phone back and say, “We know how busy you can get, so we’re going to bring part of the meal.” That way, you’re guaranteed to have something edible or at the least, unburned.

Listen, friends — it’s not that I can’t cook at all. It’s that everything I’ve ever cooked for guests turns out badly. As for flower arrangements: the photo above was my best ever. I decided to quit while I was ahead!