Humour - Kinda

Raptor Foot & the Nail Salon

On Father’s Day, younger daughter and son-in-law gave my husband a gift: they took him to the nail salon for a pedicure and invited me along.

It was a rare treat for us both.

Blog Photo - Nail Salon - Pedicure

The men bravely entered the salon full of women. They had their limits, though, refusing to get their nails painted, though I did suggest it.

Everything went well till it was time to leave. My nails seemed dry and I asked if I could put my shoes back on.

“No!” the attendant replied, shocked. “You have to put on your sandals!”

Sandals? “I have no sandals!”

Blog Photo - Cynthia at Nail salon - green slipper on foot

“Then you have to wear those things out to the car, Mum,” daughter interjected. “You can’t put on your shoes!”

“I am NOT wearing these strange-looking green things on the street! Why didn’t you tell me to wear sandals?”

“I thought you knew, Mum!”

“How on earth would I know?” I wailed. 

Oh, Mum,” she said, before bursting into laughter.

Turning to each woman and one girl in the room, I asked: “Did you bring sandals?”

Everyone said “Yes”.  I was the only one who didn’t know the rituals.

Blog Photo - Cynthia at Nail salon 1

I hung my head in shame.

Then I looked up to accuse them: “One of you could have at least said ‘No!'”

To which they only laughed harder.

My son-in-law tried to hide his amusement, but daughter and her father seemed unable to stop laughing out loud. Worse, husband called me “Raptor Foot” because of the strange salon slippers I now had to wear in public.

Blog Photo - Cynthia at Nail salon - in salon slippers

But then he sent me this video, which celebrates the Toronto Raptor’s big win with a dance named Raptor Foot, so I forgave him.  https://youtu.be/Q4IUyOXD0uo

 

 

A Good Home, Canadian life, Humour - Kinda

Stiletto Heels

As we stepped out into the rain

I looked down at the ground again

And saw her thin stiletto heels

And thoughts went round my mind like wheels

*

“Spring rain!” I smiled, instead of what

My mind thought, which was:Id-i-ot!

As she walked dainty by my side

And went on out to catch a ride

*

Image via shopflyjane.com
Image via shopflyjane.com

*

She grumped and sighed and made a pout

At weather we’d been warned about

She looked down at her thin wee dress

About to turn a soggy mess

*

She looked down at her silly heels

That would have paid for many meals

And turned to me and fussed again

And said a rude thing ‘bout the rain

Thanks to: publicdomainpictures.net
Thanks to: publicdomainpictures.net

 

Perhaps my thoughts would have been kind

If she’d been humbler in her mind

About the wind and rain we faced

Instead of acting so disgraced

*

If she’d admitted her sheer folly

For dressing up like some vain dolly

This day when all the forecasts said

Take care outside or stay in bed

*

But as I stopped and hit “rewind”

The thought that came into my mind

Was that I should have been more bold

And said: “It’s spring! Expect the cold

*

“Expect the wind and rain and fog

And dress for it; you’re just a cog

In Nature’s wheel, so take a pill

And dress yourself to meet the chill!”

*

Image via: dailyregiment.blogspot.ca
Image thanks to: dailyregiment.blogspot.ca

 

But then I had an awful thought:

Were there times when I too had bought

Such crazy stuff to wear outside

And then blamed weather, not my pride?

*

Back when I had more cash than brain

Did I throw money down the drain

On things that mattered not a whit

Back then – was I, too, such a twit?

*

Back when I was a TV ‘star’

And thought that I had come so far

And had to look and dress the part

So this would set me well apart?

*

I felt a twinge of something then

At how judgmental I had been

How quick I’d been to so opine!

And took some water with my wine.

**

A Good Home, Humour - Kinda

What Kind of Idiot Loses Her Crutches?

My kind of idiot, that’s who.  

Proving the old saying by another idiot: “I’d forget my head if it weren’t connected.”

Last night, my daughter asked me for the umpteenth time: “But how can a person lose her crutches, Mom? It’s not possible.”

Trust me, it is.

~~

I rarely drive these days, but on Monday, I drove myself to the hospital. On my way home, I noticed the car was dirty inside. While waiting at the car wash, I took a few steps to the coffee shop right next door, and came back barely managing to hold on to my crutches, handbag and coffee cup.

Somewhere in the complex task of  entering the car, securing the coffee, placing my handbag on the passenger seat, it seems I forgot one of my crutches leaning up against the rear car door.

And drove away. And didn’t realize it till I got home. 

~~

I called the car wash place. The person who answered the phone thought he couldn’t possibly be hearing the right thing.

He passed the phone to someone else, who treated the matter with suspiciously great seriousness, but said “No, ma’am. No-one has turned in a crutch. You said a crutch, right?”

~~

“So are you saying someone stole your crutch, Mom?” asked Daughter. “Who would steal a single crutch?”

She Googled “people who lose their crutches” and declared — shaking her head — that there were no other cases.

Daughter: “Mom, you realize that the only entry I found is from an episode of South Park, right? Which is fictional. A TV comedy.”

Me: “You realize I lost 3 of my canes the same way, in earlier years, right? And had to nearly crawl from car to house each time?”

She gulped. We almost choked with laughter. 

Lord give me strength. Or a brain, at least.

 

 

 

 

A Good Home, A Plausible Story, An Honest House, Humour - Kinda, Stories about breaking an ankle

Time to Vote!

I asked readers to send a better story than “I got up, passed out and fell down”, to explain my broken ankle. The entries are in. Please vote for the best story.

Blog Photo - Cast with messages by Hamlin Grange

The person who gets the most votes will receive a signed copy of either “A Good Home” or “An Honest House”.

Please vote now.

ENTRIES:

  1. I say “I got up, passed out and fell down” is the best. Makes me hoot!

  2. You could say, “I suffer from orthostatic hypotension.” That sounds sexier but is not technically lying.

    • Errmmm…. what is orthostatic hypotension, Victo?

      • Low blood pressure that occurs with a sudden change in position. You could also call what you had a syncopal episode or syncope which means passing out. That also sounds kind of sexy.

  3. OR you could say, “The doctor called to tell me the pregnancy test was positive and I just passed clean out!

  4. Carl Randall

    One night while asleep, I had a dream that I was at the gym training for a slot on the Canadian Winter Olympics ice skating team for the 2018 games. I tried to balance myself but fell out of my bed and broke my ankle.
    😎

  5. Sorry Cynthia, I have no good story, but how about a run-in with big foot? I can relate. I fell (3″) off a ladder years ago as a 25-year-old and broke my arm! I like Victo’s story.

  6. You could use the same story about your fractures that actually happened to my cousin. On her way out that evening, when she went to get her coat, she accidentally stepped into the cat’s litter box. The box went slip sliding away, taking my surprised cousin along with it. She found herself on the floor with a fractured leg, checking out the paint on the ceiling.

  7. I was playing tennis and as I jumped in the air to serve I landed wrong and broke my ankle, but that serve won the game for me. ☺

  8. Chip Barkel

    You can borrow my story. (Substitute foot for hand.)

    I was going in to make an offer presentation on a house in the west end. We were #11 or 16. It was the night of the last snowstorm of the year. There was one step up on the sidewalk leading to the house. It was icy and I had leather shoes. I was losing my balance but trying not to fall. The more I tried, the more I accelerated falling headfirst. As my head and face hurled towards the brick steps, I reached out and my middle finger on my right hand took the brunt of the force. One look at my hand and I knew my finger was broken….

    The good news is my finger was not broken. The bad news is that it was badly dislocated. The really, really good news is while waiting in the emergency room I found a house for our buyers on Instagram. They went to see that house and subsequently offered and they were the successful buyers. 

    9. Karen

    “I snagged my foot on a root while getting up off my knees from praying to the gardening gods to make my wisteria bloom.”

  9. (N/A)
  10. Embellishments are much more interesting than factual details. It may be a stretch to add someone “tall, dark, and handsome” in the night… but maybe Hamlin would fit the bill. -Oscar

  11. Picking Mangoes in Jamaica and fell off the ladder. Exotic, and believable.

  12. I have just broken the record for the longest ever baseball hit, but I twisted too far round.

    13.

    • You were stuck in a ravine under falling boulders and had to break your own ankle to crawl to safety….

      14.

    • “I thought I was 20, my body rebelled.” No other explanation needed.

      15.

    • You had volunteered for Habitat for Humanity and when President Jimmy Carter started to waiver from the heat, you rushed over to help him and tripped on a two-by-four board.

      16.

    • You got tangled up in the dog strangling vine when you were weeding the garden and it tripped you?

      17.

    • In utter frustration, you hauled off and kicked a certain high-level US elected official who shall not be named. You broke your ankle but earned the admiration of many Americans.

      18.

    • Franca

      You rushed onto the road to save a puppy that was about to get run over by an armoured limousine driven by Donald Trump. Your leg got broken but the puppy is fine.

      19.

    • I was about to go on stage when a friend told me to ‘Break a leg’, the thought of it was so frightening that I fainted, and wouldn’t ya know…” 🙂

      20.

    •  I saw a “pink elephant” on my way home from the local gin mill and tripped on the sidewalk and broke my ankle.

      21.

    • You were the last person in the human chain saving swimmers from the riptide a few weeks ago. And your brave efforts resulted in success! 🙂

      23.

    • “I slipped while rushing to a yoga class, which proved my husband’s favorite theory that exercise is bad for you.”

      24.
    • OK – 2 possibilities. 1 – the Truth. “I was in a car accident a few years ago. It’s taken years to recover and I’m still not there. Sometimes my body is not where I think it is, and does not do what I think it will. Like this time – I stood up, passed out and fell down.”
      2 –  “My husband stretched his hand out to me, and when I stood up to put mine in his … well, I looked in his eyes, and he was just so damned handsome that I passed out and fell down.”

      25.

    • I took a short cut home and jumped over a low wall. Trouble was it was ten feet down the other side.

      I was helping decorate the church and I fell backwards off the font.

      I tripped up the stairs with my hands in my pockets and landed face first.

      I fell over a cat.

      These are all real.

      26.

       

      Jessica

      A teenie weenie mouse did it! As I opened the door, she came in. I tripped on the door sill trying to escape….!!

      Entries From Facebook: 

      27.

       .

      Debra Roppolo
      Debra Roppolo  My stories are not so exciting either.  I finally started telling people I was in circus school.
      28.
       · 
      Dale Ratcliffe
      Dale Ratcliffe  You got tipsy one night, starting chasing Mr. G around the bedroom and slipped on the clothes he left lying on the floor!
      29.
       · 
      Mark Fullerton
      Mark Fullerton  You were auditioning for the “Life Alert Emergency Service” commercial and practicing the line “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
      30.

      Rex Deverell  You were walking down the street, perfectly innocently, on a lovely day, but a crane operator had been drinking on the job and lost control of his machine. Right behind you a great hook swung like a pendulum and caught the strap of your handbag. You refused to let go – what was in that handbag? Finally, by the time you and the bag were extricated you were practically in the next county. The landing was a bit rough given the inebriation of the crane operator – hence the damage to the ankles.