A Good Home, Humour - Kinda

What Kind of Idiot Loses Her Crutches?

My kind of idiot, that’s who.  

Proving the old saying by another idiot: “I’d forget my head if it weren’t connected.”

Last night, my daughter asked me for the umpteenth time: “But how can a person lose her crutches, Mom? It’s not possible.”

Trust me, it is.

~~

I rarely drive these days, but on Monday, I drove myself to the hospital. On my way home, I noticed the car was dirty inside. While waiting at the car wash, I took a few steps to the coffee shop right next door, and came back barely managing to hold on to my crutches, handbag and coffee cup.

Somewhere in the complex task of  entering the car, securing the coffee, placing my handbag on the passenger seat, it seems I forgot one of my crutches leaning up against the rear car door.

And drove away. And didn’t realize it till I got home. 

~~

I called the car wash place. The person who answered the phone thought he couldn’t possibly be hearing the right thing.

He passed the phone to someone else, who treated the matter with suspiciously great seriousness, but said “No, ma’am. No-one has turned in a crutch. You said a crutch, right?”

~~

“So are you saying someone stole your crutch, Mom?” asked Daughter. “Who would steal a single crutch?”

She Googled “people who lose their crutches” and declared — shaking her head — that there were no other cases.

Daughter: “Mom, you realize that the only entry I found is from an episode of South Park, right? Which is fictional. A TV comedy.”

Me: “You realize I lost 3 of my canes the same way, in earlier years, right? And had to nearly crawl from car to house each time?”

She gulped. We almost choked with laughter. 

Lord give me strength. Or a brain, at least.

 

 

 

 

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A Good Home, A Plausible Story, An Honest House, Humour - Kinda, Stories about breaking an ankle

Time to Vote!

I asked readers to send a better story than “I got up, passed out and fell down”, to explain my broken ankle. The entries are in. Please vote for the best story.

Blog Photo - Cast with messages by Hamlin Grange

The person who gets the most votes will receive a signed copy of either “A Good Home” or “An Honest House”.

Please vote now.

ENTRIES:

  1. I say “I got up, passed out and fell down” is the best. Makes me hoot!

  2. You could say, “I suffer from orthostatic hypotension.” That sounds sexier but is not technically lying.

    • Errmmm…. what is orthostatic hypotension, Victo?

      • Low blood pressure that occurs with a sudden change in position. You could also call what you had a syncopal episode or syncope which means passing out. That also sounds kind of sexy.

  3. OR you could say, “The doctor called to tell me the pregnancy test was positive and I just passed clean out!

  4. Carl Randall

    One night while asleep, I had a dream that I was at the gym training for a slot on the Canadian Winter Olympics ice skating team for the 2018 games. I tried to balance myself but fell out of my bed and broke my ankle.
    😎

  5. Sorry Cynthia, I have no good story, but how about a run-in with big foot? I can relate. I fell (3″) off a ladder years ago as a 25-year-old and broke my arm! I like Victo’s story.

  6. You could use the same story about your fractures that actually happened to my cousin. On her way out that evening, when she went to get her coat, she accidentally stepped into the cat’s litter box. The box went slip sliding away, taking my surprised cousin along with it. She found herself on the floor with a fractured leg, checking out the paint on the ceiling.

  7. I was playing tennis and as I jumped in the air to serve I landed wrong and broke my ankle, but that serve won the game for me. ☺

  8. Chip Barkel

    You can borrow my story. (Substitute foot for hand.)

    I was going in to make an offer presentation on a house in the west end. We were #11 or 16. It was the night of the last snowstorm of the year. There was one step up on the sidewalk leading to the house. It was icy and I had leather shoes. I was losing my balance but trying not to fall. The more I tried, the more I accelerated falling headfirst. As my head and face hurled towards the brick steps, I reached out and my middle finger on my right hand took the brunt of the force. One look at my hand and I knew my finger was broken….

    The good news is my finger was not broken. The bad news is that it was badly dislocated. The really, really good news is while waiting in the emergency room I found a house for our buyers on Instagram. They went to see that house and subsequently offered and they were the successful buyers. 

    9. Karen

    “I snagged my foot on a root while getting up off my knees from praying to the gardening gods to make my wisteria bloom.”

  9. (N/A)
  10. Embellishments are much more interesting than factual details. It may be a stretch to add someone “tall, dark, and handsome” in the night… but maybe Hamlin would fit the bill. -Oscar

  11. Picking Mangoes in Jamaica and fell off the ladder. Exotic, and believable.

  12. I have just broken the record for the longest ever baseball hit, but I twisted too far round.

    13.

    • You were stuck in a ravine under falling boulders and had to break your own ankle to crawl to safety….

      14.

    • “I thought I was 20, my body rebelled.” No other explanation needed.

      15.

    • You had volunteered for Habitat for Humanity and when President Jimmy Carter started to waiver from the heat, you rushed over to help him and tripped on a two-by-four board.

      16.

    • You got tangled up in the dog strangling vine when you were weeding the garden and it tripped you?

      17.

    • In utter frustration, you hauled off and kicked a certain high-level US elected official who shall not be named. You broke your ankle but earned the admiration of many Americans.

      18.

    • Franca

      You rushed onto the road to save a puppy that was about to get run over by an armoured limousine driven by Donald Trump. Your leg got broken but the puppy is fine.

      19.

    • I was about to go on stage when a friend told me to ‘Break a leg’, the thought of it was so frightening that I fainted, and wouldn’t ya know…” 🙂

      20.

    •  I saw a “pink elephant” on my way home from the local gin mill and tripped on the sidewalk and broke my ankle.

      21.

    • You were the last person in the human chain saving swimmers from the riptide a few weeks ago. And your brave efforts resulted in success! 🙂

      23.

    • “I slipped while rushing to a yoga class, which proved my husband’s favorite theory that exercise is bad for you.”

      24.
    • OK – 2 possibilities. 1 – the Truth. “I was in a car accident a few years ago. It’s taken years to recover and I’m still not there. Sometimes my body is not where I think it is, and does not do what I think it will. Like this time – I stood up, passed out and fell down.”
      2 –  “My husband stretched his hand out to me, and when I stood up to put mine in his … well, I looked in his eyes, and he was just so damned handsome that I passed out and fell down.”

      25.

    • I took a short cut home and jumped over a low wall. Trouble was it was ten feet down the other side.

      I was helping decorate the church and I fell backwards off the font.

      I tripped up the stairs with my hands in my pockets and landed face first.

      I fell over a cat.

      These are all real.

      26.

       

      Jessica

      A teenie weenie mouse did it! As I opened the door, she came in. I tripped on the door sill trying to escape….!!

      Entries From Facebook: 

      27.

       .

      Debra Roppolo
      Debra Roppolo  My stories are not so exciting either.  I finally started telling people I was in circus school.
      28.
       · 
      Dale Ratcliffe
      Dale Ratcliffe  You got tipsy one night, starting chasing Mr. G around the bedroom and slipped on the clothes he left lying on the floor!
      29.
       · 
      Mark Fullerton
      Mark Fullerton  You were auditioning for the “Life Alert Emergency Service” commercial and practicing the line “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
      30.

      Rex Deverell  You were walking down the street, perfectly innocently, on a lovely day, but a crane operator had been drinking on the job and lost control of his machine. Right behind you a great hook swung like a pendulum and caught the strap of your handbag. You refused to let go – what was in that handbag? Finally, by the time you and the bag were extricated you were practically in the next county. The landing was a bit rough given the inebriation of the crane operator – hence the damage to the ankles.

A Good Home, An Honest House, Humour - Kinda, Short Short Story

Help Save My Dignity

Every time I go to the fracture clinic at the hospital – which is often these days — I feel ashamed.

Blog Photo - Cynthia cast being put on

Why?

Everybody, except for me, has a great story about how they broke their whatsit.

Broken arms, collarbones, legs — you name the body part, and a great story comes with it.

There’s Eden, a teenager, who is aiming for the Olympics. She joined the boys’ ice hockey team in the spring to sharpen her skills.

“I’m 5’4″, they’re 6 feet plus”, she says.

During a skirmish, one player lands on her arm and — snap! “The bones were sticking out,” she says.

Next to her at the clinic, a young adult male tries to disguise his pride as he explains he broke his collarbone while  skateboarding. 

Then there’s the 20-something young woman who has now broken the same leg twice — first from playing basketball competitively, now from football.

“So what happened to you?” These brave warriors invariably turn to me.

Ugh! How do I say: “I got up, passed out and fell down”?

I need to save face. Can you please help? 

I need a great story about how I got these breaks in my ankle.

Must be very short and semi-believable and mainly decent.

Funny, if possible.

The sooner the better, please. 

Readers will tell me which story they like best. I’ll then sign a copy of either A Good Home or An Honest House and mail it to the winner.

Thank you for helping!

 

A Good Home, Canadian life, Home, Humour - Kinda

Witless Wednesday

I’m being driven witless.

Witless, I tell you.

By the multitude of articles telling me I need to live more simply by getting rid of stuff. Warning me that I’ll expire of unhappiness because my closets and cupboards are cluttered.

Honestly, at least twice a day in the last week, I’ve read these admonitions and how-to’s. Oprah’s online magazine, O. Better Homes and Gardens. The daily newspapers. Blog posts. 

Why is it driving me witless, otherwise known as bonkers and even bouleversee?

Maybe it’s because I know there is at least a grain of truth in most of these articles. In the last year, I’ve given things away and still suspect that I could do with less. (I hold on to old towels because they can be reused to dust, clean floors, etc., etc. My daughter says that’s crazy.)

But mostly it’s because all of these advice articles demand too much of me. To throw things out, it seems, one must first be very well organized.

Bah humbug, say I. Organized schmorganized!

There have been a few really neat posts that I like.

My friend Mandy posts photos on Facebook of the small bundles of similar things that she gathers up and gives away.

Liz turned her sorting and giving into a game.

And Sally Cronin shared something I can ‘clip out’ and post on my kitchen bulletin board: Tips for avoiding food waste. Specific and doable. (Yay Sally!) 

Otherwise, I ‘m resting in the arms of the first two lines of this wise quote. And you’re only allowed to read the last 2 lines if you understand it in the metaphorical way:

Besides the noble art of getting things done,
there is a nobler art of leaving things undone.
The wisdom of life consists in the
elimination of nonessentials. ~ Lin Yutang ~

Witlessly Yours,

Cynthia.